Managing and Growing your Relationship with your Parents in College

Getting into the college that you wanted was probably the most paramount focus you had during the past few months. You should be proud of yourself for your hard work and be excited for college - it’ll be a complete blast! However, one of things I’ve seen happen time and time again with my mentees is that they are not prepared for the huge transition that occurs during their freshman year. So many things change and there’s a bunch of topics to discuss; however, the issue I want to focus on is the relationship you’ll have with your parents. It will change from before college. If you do things correctly though, it will change for the better. I’ll share some of the approaches that I think will help.

First off, understand that you should maintain a healthy amount of space and independence from your parents. College occurs during a critical time of your development, when you learn to make more decisions for yourself and to take more responsibility for your future. It’s meant to be that way - the classes, the on-campus life, and the experiences you will have. Without space from your parents, it will be tough for you to fully experience college, and you may grow to resent your parents from preventing you from doing that. Of course, your parents most likely love you and want to be close to you in order to help you. That desire is completely expected, but you should make sure to establish boundaries early on. For instance, no unexpected visits to your dorm room or no monitoring of your spending habits. Another side point that I think is quite helpful is financial independence. If you can, try to pay for everything yourself - it’ll prepare you for life post-college. For each family, it will be different, but the general idea of setting up explicit boundaries early on will pay off in the long run. You will feel empowered to live your own life, and your parents know that you have thought of them and want to include them in your life.

Secondly, I think that it’s important to set up a regular cadence to check in with your parents. During very turbulent times in which you will be experiencing such new things - harder classes, more competitive peers, a new environment, a lack of home/school divide, it can be amazingly helpful to know that you have your parents / family to go to / talk to on a regular basis. In addition, this allows your parents to know when to expect things from you. It won’t be the case that you will just reach out to them when you need money. The cadence guarantees that your family will be on the same page. As hard as it can be during busy times - finals, trips, etc. - try and keep this cadence for your entire time in college. Trust me, your time with your parents is special - you don’t want to miss it for some random party.

Lastly, remember that your parents & family can be your base / grounding. I’ve seen many of my peers “lose themselves” in college. They forget the person that they are / who they wanted to become. It’s easy for this to happen when some folks struggle academically, personally, or mentally. Your parents can help you in so many ways for this. They certainly did for me. Unlike some of the people you will interact with in college, your parents most likely unconditionally love you, and that’s hard to come by. In addition to them grounding you, you also ground them. Lots of parents have “empty nest syndrome” when their children leave for college. Think about it - their main purpose in life for the past 18 years just packed up their bags and left home. It’s a drastic change that some parents just don’t take well - some get depression or lose the energy to do much. As a loving son / daughter, keeping in touch and showing that you love them, can really ground them and help them transition to this new phase of their lives.

Overall, every family is unique, and I do not want to prescribe a one-size fits all solution. However, I think the above strategies will help deepen and grow your relationship with your parents.

By mentor A.L., a graduate of Stanford University and MIT, majored in Biomedical Computation with a career concentration in AI.